“I thought I could describe a state; make a map of sorrow. Sorrow, however, turns out to be not a state but a process.”
― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observe
One of the most challenging moments in an OFWs life is when one of their loved ones dies. That is what happened to me two years ago. My father passed away because of an illness. I felt guilty that I was taking care of someone else and couldn’t take care of him while he was sick. I haven’t seen my family for three years and can’t go home to be with them. That was when the pandemic was full-blown, and all flights were canceled. The world is desperately trying to cope with the effects, and there is no vaccine available yet.
Although we all differ in how we grieve, I am going to list down some of the things that helped me with my grieving process in the hope that it can help someone who is going through it right now. Some people may scoff at this, but you can never fully understand how painful it is to lose someone you love until you experience it yourself. It is normal to feel sad when someone we know dies, but if it is someone close to your heart, it feels very different.
My Christian Belief
“We cannot enjoy peace in this world unless we are ready to yield to the will of God in respect of death. Our times are in His hand, at His sovereign disposal. We must accept that as best.”
– John Owen
As Christians, we believe that death is not the end. We have our hope of eternal life through Jesus Christ. No matter how devastated I was by my father’s death, I felt happy knowing he is with Jesus in heaven.
One of my favorite songs is “Scars in Heaven” by Casting Crowns, which has the following lyrics that sum up my thoughts.
🎵🎵The only scars in heaven, they won’t belong to me and you
There’ll be no such thing as broken, and all the old will be made new
And the thought that makes me smile now, even as the tears fall down
Is that the only scars in heaven are on the hands that hold you now🎵🎵
C.S. Lewis
“Aren’t all these notes the senseless writings of a man who won’t accept the fact that there is nothing we can do with suffering except to suffer it?”
― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed
Christian author C.S. Lewis wrote an influential book about grief called “A Grief Observed.” The book helped me to deal with my grief more healthily and broadened my knowledge about death and suffering. I highly recommend it to everyone, regardless of whether you’re grieving.
Solitude
I am grateful that my employers allowed me to have a few days off work to grieve. I stayed in our apartment for a week and spent some time with people I knew. But the majority of the time, I was alone. I found it healing just being by myself, surrounded by my thoughts. I appreciate people telling me comforting words, but sometimes it is better to hug someone who lost a loved one and say “Condolence” rather than saying cliches like “Hindi na sha nahihirapan” (He is not suffering anymore), “Oras na nya” (It is his time already) or “There is a reason for everything.”
I see people, as they approach me, trying to make up their minds whether they’ll say something about it’ or not. I hate if they do, and if they don’t.”
― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed
BTS
I was not a fan of K-Pop music before, but I stumbled upon a video of the Korean band BTS on Facebook. It was a video clip from their online reality show, “Run BTS.” The video was hilarious and entertaining. It was the start of my journey down the BTS rabbit hole.
I started to listen to their songs. Thankfully, their music videos have English subtitles, making it easier to understand their Korean songs. One of the songs that I related to is “Life Goes On”.
🎵🎵Like an echo in the forest
The day will come back around
As if nothing happened
Yeah life goes on
Like an arrow in the blue sky
Another day flying by
On my pillow, on my table
Yeah life goes on
Like this again🎵🎵
It is a song about the pandemic. But it made me realize that life goes on, even if my heart is heavy. There are days I was so wrapped up in my grief that I’m like a robot, following my routine but dead deep inside. But slowly, the grief lessens, and we start to see the colors around us again.
Take your time and give yourself space to grieve, no matter what others say. As C.S. Lewis wrote, sorrow is not a state but a process. Slowly we try to move on with our lives, but there’s always that missing piece that can never be filled.
The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
